Like so. There was a whole series of these for different games, all in the same template, with each ad featuring a different jackass reporting from "the REAL 3DO Zone™" with an overdose of slang and every -ing verb cut to -in' to show how x-treme they were. It's painfully obvious that this was all put together by some thirtysomething copywriter who's trying far too hard to put himself in the shoes of today's youth and figure out how they really talk.

You see, how teenagers really talk is to use the word "hey" a lot and speak in numerous clumsy half-formed sentences. I suppose I should at least give the guy credit for restricting himself to just one ballz related pun, but it gets taken away again for use of the word "kneez" and cutting the g off of "groveling."

I have no idea what kind of nickname "Two-House" is. I don't even know what that means, unless he's got a summer cottage and he's just a prick about it. Otherwise I'm forced to assume he's related to Steve "Two-Phones" Mackabe.

The writer's problems only get worse when talking about Isis, because there's no good way to make a puzzle game sound cool or x-treme. There's definitely no way to make the involvement of Earth, Wind and Fire sound cool or x-treme. Or even appealling.

I have no idea who this goddess is and I have no reason to care. I'm not terribly concerned if she gets confined to solitary or not. These are not the things to hinge an ad campaign on. Just say HEY DO YOU LIKE MYST WELL THEN BUY THIS and be done with it.

I remember reading an article about some movie Tia Carrere was going to be in back in 1994. It spoke of her role in the two Wayne's World movies as if it was some sort of embarassing period she was now past so she could start her "real" career. Then a year later she starred in The Daedalus Encounter. Then the ad spelled her name wrong. Then the back of the box really spelled her name wrong. The lesson is to never attempt to advance your career.

The other lesson is to never think for a moment that anyone under the age of 35 has ever uttered the phrase "way cool space dude" unironically. Not even little kids.

Well, this one isn't so bad, maybe things are getting better.

Nevermind. Though I'll admit, a lot of the problem here is not the format of the ad itself but that they're trying to get people to buy Cyberdillo. This is still a felony in most states.

And here we have the problem distilled into an almost surreal state. The man is raving about a murderous rampage in a game where you play a pyramid that shoots at other pyramids. Which part of a pyramid is the chest?

Is it a coincidence that failed game systems so often have terrible ad campaigns? Did the manufacturers' incompetence in designing a good console extend to their choice of marketing? I don't think you can completely blame the games, as even some of those listed above weren't bad. You can give Icebreaker a try for yourself if you'd like. It's fun until having to clear each level with one life starts to grate on you.

We need one really terrible system with crap games to come out with an utterly compelling and well-crafted ad campaign to see how it does. One of you, get to work on that. This is for science, dammit.